


Speaking Without A Sound

by TheBustyStClair



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Loss of Limbs, Love, M/M, Married Couple, Married Life, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 09:54:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11333397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBustyStClair/pseuds/TheBustyStClair
Summary: Of all the things John had expected to be difficult following the end of the war, getting used to regular old civilian life once again after all those years of devoted service was certainly not one of them.It’s not that he missed the war (He didn’t, not one bit), it was just that with everything all done and dealt with and their lives now returning back to what the rest of the universe thought of as ‘normal’, John wasn’t sure if he himself understood the meaning of the word any more. Being resurrected was a hell of a way to kill one’s own idea of ‘normal’, that was for sure.





	Speaking Without A Sound

**Author's Note:**

> Hoo-boy. So even though I've been writing fics and shipping these two for years, this is my very first attempt at writing an MShenko fic and like... I hope y'all like it? lol
> 
> Comments/Kudos/Feedback of any sort are always welcome. My tumblr is TheBustyStClair so if you wanna message me on there or even send me a prompt then feel free, the inspiration is always appreciated haha.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy and let me know what you think! <3

Of all the things John had expected to be difficult following the end of the war, getting used to regular old civilian life once again after all those years of devoted service was certainly not one of them.

 

It’s not that he missed the war (He didn’t, not one bit), it was just that with everything all done and dealt with and their lives now returning back to what the rest of the universe thought of as ‘normal’, John wasn’t sure if he himself understood the meaning of the word any more. Being resurrected was a hell of a way to kill one’s own idea of ‘normal’, that was for sure.

 

While John wouldn’t dare to describe his new life as 'boring’, he would happily describe it as uneventful to say the very least. Being able to sleep in for as long as he pleased was certainly one welcome change, but that alone didn’t counter-balance the daunting concept that was finding his life suddenly without order after years of strict schedules and grueling routines. This sudden lack of purpose was something that was slowly but surely beginning to chip away at the old Soldiers once thought impenetrable morale and, try as he may, he just could not seem to shake it.

 

Talking to his Therapist had done very little for John but help to confuse him even further, if that were even possible. It wasn't as though John was unaware that he was depressed, that was something he'd dealt with for as long as he could remember and had the prescription history to show it, but this hollow feeling hanging around insidious in his chest was something new entirely. John wasn't sure that there was a prescription strong enough to cover it this time.

 

After a slew of rather fruitless sessions, his therapist had suggested that John start making a list of all the good and bad things in his life. Apparently by placing them side by side, it would become much easier to focus on the good since doing so helped to put the bad into some much needed perspective. John wasn't really sold on any of that if he were being completely honest, but went about making said list regardless. After all, it couldn't hurt.

 

John's list was as follows...

 

He'd somehow managed to survive the war and live to tell the tale. That was good. (Arguably)

 

While John himself had indeed survived the war, many members of his family, his closest friends and his colleagues had not. Nowadays his survivors guilt was bordering on debilitating. That was definitely bad.

 

He'd lost the majority of his right leg during the final confrontation with the Reapers after it had been pulverized by some falling debris. That was bad, but in hindsight it certainly could have been a lot worse. Perhaps that should have gone on the 'good' list instead?

 

After what he had assumed at the time was going to be a death-bed proposal (dying of blood loss from a missing limb would do that to you) John had married Kaidan in a cosy little ceremony, surrounded by all their remaining friends and family. Safe to say, that was very very very good.

 

The prosthetic leg they'd eventually fitted him with was, for the most part, comfortable enough and after some intense physical rehabilitation didn't seem to impeded his day to day life much at all any more. That was also good.

 

Following the wedding, he and Kaidan had moved in to a cosy little cabin together up in the snowy mountains. It was a fair few miles away from all the hustle and bustle of the nearby city, but still close enough that they never felt too cut off from civilisation.

 

It was peaceful. It was perfect. It was theirs. Definitely a good thing.

 

The nightmares. Oh the nightmares. They were bad. Very very bad indeed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was actually one of the nightmares that woke him up that night. While most of the finer details were lost in the panic that was finding himself suddenly ripped from the heat of battle and dragged back in the waking world, the sound of the Banshee's terrifying screams and the smell of blood were almost palpable as he quickly came back to his senses.

 

Laying flat on his back as stiff as a board while lashings of sweat poured off him, John clenched his eyes shut tight and desperately willed his breathing to calm itself back down to a more agreeable pace. It was just a dream. It wasn't real, at least not any more. It was all in the past.

 

Breathe in. Breathe out.

  
Breathe in. Breathe out.

 

Breathe in. Breathe out.

 

Eventually managing to bring himself down from his fever pitch, John slowly re-opened his eyes and was indescribably glad to see that he was, as expected, safe and sound in his own bed with his husband laying by his side, Kaidan's quietly snoring the only sound he could hear radiating through the strangely blissful darkness of their quiet, moonlit home.

 

Looking over at Kaidan through half-open eyes, John sighed contently to himself and only just managed to resist the urge to reach over and gently caress Kaidan's peaceful sleeping face, if only just to prove to himself that Kaidan was really there and this wasn't just another cruel dream.

 

“ _How the hell did I get so lucky, huh?”_ John whispered silently to himself as he continued to simply gaze lovingly over at his still sleeping lover while bathing in the calming aura that seemed to come hand in hand with doing so.

 

John couldn't help but think to himself that that particular moment in time would be one of those perfect, serene instances that would find itself etched into his memory for time and all eternity, and it more than likely would have been if it weren't for one little problem gnawing away at the back of his mind of course.

 

He needed to piss. Badly.

 

Sitting up in bed and rubbing his weary eyes, John looked down at his bedside table and saw his prosthetic just sitting there, taunting him as it lay bathed in the dull yellow moonlight shimming in from between the barely parted curtains. Scowling down at the dreaded limb with as much fervour as his tired eyes could muster, John muttered disapprovingly under his breath as he swung his remaining leg over the side bed and opted to grab his cane instead, deciding there and then that anything that got in the way of him going to the bathroom as soon as humanly possible was nothing more than an unnecessary distraction, his own personal health and safety be damned.

 

Silently hobbling out of their room before pausing briefly in the doorway, John glanced back towards the bed and smiled to himself once again as he took in the sight of a peaceful looking Kaidan just laying there, still apparently fast asleep.

 

He hadn't been kidding before. John truly was not sure how he managed to get so goddamn lucky.

 

Managing to both make it out of the bedroom and shut the door behind him without a hitch, it wasn't until John actually got up and started hobbling towards the bathroom down the other end of the hall that he fully realised just how dependant on his prosthetic limb he had become in recent months. The endless sea of impenetrable darkness before him wasn't exactly making matters any easier either. Why couldn't they have bought the cabin a few doors down that came with the En Suite for gods sake?

 

Eventually making it down the hall and into the bathroom without too much of a problem, John quietly closed the door behind him and placed his cane down against the counter as he hopped on over to the toilet and quickly got to work.

 

To avoid overcomplicating matters any further, he decided to sit.

 

It wasn't until his business was all taken care of and he tried to get back up on to his feet once again that his problems truly started. He should have expected as much.

 

Flushing the toilet and pulling his pants back up as he stood, John got perhaps just a little too confident for his own good and turned to grab his cane up from the counter just a little too quickly. Unfortunately for him, that spin was all it took for the fuzzy blue bathmat beneath his feet to slip forward ever so slightly and throw whatever was left of his balance out of the window.

 

Desperately clawing around the bathroom for anything at all to grab on to, John couldn't help but squeal pathetically as he eventually lost the fight and toppled down onto the floor with a calamitous crash just a few short inches away from the edge of the bathtub.

 

If he wasn't so damn pissed off and downright embarrassed that he'd just fallen over, John would have had to have added ' _Fell while going for a piss, but didn't split my head open on the side of the Bathtub_ ' to his list of 'Good' things. It should come as no surprise though that in that particular moment John could not find all that much to be thankful for.

 

“ _Ah fuck.”_ John grumbled under his breath, laying perfectly still on the cold cold floor as he tried desperately to get his bearings. _“Smooth move Commander. Very smooth indeed. Take off was better than expected, but as per the landing left a lot to be desired.”_

 

Laying flat on the floor in a mangled heap, John sighed pathetically and let his head flop down onto the bastard rug that'd been the cause of his inevitable downfall just moments ago, too ashamed and exhausted to even consider moving. Could things possibly get any worse?

 

“ _Hey. Is everything alright in there?”_ Came Kaidan's voice suddenly from behind the still closed bathroom door, his voice a soft and calming influence amidst the sea of dread John had found himself drowning in. _“I heard a noise and... shit. John? John are you okay?”_

  
Cursing under his breath as he pushed himself up off the icy tiling beneath him, John groaned as he forced himself up into a sitting position, his back pushed up against the side of the bathtub as he sheepishly glanced ahead of him at the door separating him from Kaidan.

 

“ _I'm fine Kay, go back to bed. I'll be there in a second.”_ John said.

“ _That banging and cursing I heard in there says otherwise.”_ Kaidan persisted. _“Do you need a hand?”_

 

Still sat on the floor by the tub, John shifted uncomfortably on the spot as his cheeks begun to burn a deep scarlet red. Fuck.

 

“ _How uh... how long you been out there?”_

“ _Not long. I woke up when you got out of bed and when I noticed that you'd decided to brave the walk to the bathroom minus your leg I decided to make sure you were okay.”_ Kaidan explained plainly. _“So, are you?”_

 

What followed that question was a long, uncomfortable silence that slowly begun to eat away at Johns soul. Truth be told, John wasn't a hundred percent sure that Kaidan would want to hear his answer to that question. Not the true one anyway.

 

“ _John?”_ Kaidan eventually repeated, his voice effortlessly piercing through the murky clouds of worry and doubt hanging oppressively over John's mind and snapping his attention back onto the matter at hand, namely if he was okay. _“John? John please answer me.”_

 

John paused again and swallowed down harshly. Shit.

 

“ _No.”_ John finally admitted. _“No, I'm not Kay.”_

“ _Can uh... Can I come in?”_ Kaidan asked.

 

John sighed. On the other side of the door, Kaidan could be heard sighing too.

 

“ _Sure.”_ John eventually said with a defeated puff as without another word, the door to the bathroom slowly begun to creep open.

 

Not saying a word as he entered, Kaidan slowly walked on over towards John before he carefully got down onto his knees and scooted himself over to sit right at Johns side. John greeted his presence with a weak smile, one that Kaidan gratefully returned in spades.

 

“ _So...”_ Kaidan said.

“ _So.”_ John repeated matter of factly.

“ _You okay?”_ Kaidan said.

“ _I uh...”_ John mumbled quietly, almost as if he were ashamed of himself. _“I fell.”_

“ _I can see that.”_ Kaidan said.

“ _Heh. You always did have a keen eye Kay.”_ John teased as Kaidan gently nudged him with his shoulder.

“ _Is that why you married me?”_ Kaidan asked with that sly little smirk of his that practically made John's heart soar.

“ _Among other things.”_ John said, resting his head down against Kaidan's shoulder as he did so. _“Truth be told it was your ass that sealed the deal, but that keen eye certainly didn't hurt matters that's for sure.”_

“ _Always the charmer, aren't you Commander?”_ Kaidan hummed appreciatively.

“ _I certainly try to be anyway.”_ John said.

“ _Hmph.”_

 

“ _You know, when I asked you if you were okay, I wasn't just asking about the fall.”_ Kaidan said softly. At his side, John's heart practically sank. “ _I know you better than you know yourself at this point John, so I know when something is wrong.”_

Slowly lifting his head up off of Kaidan's shoulder, John looked at Kaidan with his best poker face as his husband continued to speak.

“ _Because trust me when I say you don't need to be. Okay, I mean. Hell, none of us need to be. We've been through a lot, more than most people could bear to go through in several lifetimes, so... you don't have to say you're okay if you aren't, that's all I'm saying.”_

 

Staring at Kaidan through what he himself knew were watery eyes on the verge of unleashing an unending sea of tears, John begun to almost feverishly rub his eyes in the hopes that it would will away whatever it was that was threatening to rise up to the surface.

 

“ _If you don't wanna talk about it then that's fine with me too. We all deal with things differently and I respect that.”_ Kaidan said slowly and concisely, clearly running over each and every word that left his lips with as much care and concern as he could possibly muster. _“But just know that no matter how you're feeling, I'll always be here for you no matter what. We've been through hell and high water just to have the chance to be together John, and if you think for a second that I'm leaving you to deal with this all of this alone then you've got another thing coming. I love you, and I always will... I ju-... I guess I just really need you to know that.”_

 

Feeling the oh so familiar sting of tears prickling away dangerously at the corner of his eyes, John suddenly lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Kaidan's frame, pulling his husband in close and hugging him as tightly as he possibly could. Without another word, Kaidan begun hugging John back too.

“ _I love you Kaidan.”_ John said. _“I love you so much.”_

“ _I love you too John.”_ Kaidan said between the multitude of kisses he was tenderly peppering John's scalp with as they sat locked in one another's arms. _“I always will.”_

 

Carefully slipping one of John's arms around his shoulders, Kaidan placed his right arm flat under Johns knees and then his left on John's lower back as he slowly rose back up onto his feet, lifting John up into the air too and carrying him princess-style with apparently little to no effort at all.

 

“ _Well, that's certainly one way to sweep a man off his feet Lieutenant. ”_ John almost purred he carefully wiped the corners of his eyes off once again. _”Well, off his foot in this case.”_

“ _What can I say, I'm a man of many talents.”_ Kaidan said with a smile.

“ _Can't say I disagree right about now.”_ John said quietly as he simply allowed Kaidan to carry him down the hall and towards their bedroom.

 

Looking up at Kaidan as they approached the door, John leaned upwards ever so slightly and kissed Kaidan lightly on the cheek, earning himself a surprised yet pleased sounding hum from his husband. While John knew fine well that whatever was going on inside his head wasn't ever going to be something that could be solved with a quick fix, he also knew that with Kaidan by his side he could accomplish anything and everything he put his mind too and that, in time, he would get through this.

 

Words could not describe how comforting that notion truly was to him.

 

“ _I love you Kay.”_ John muttered silently as he gently lay his head down on Kaidan's shoulder, quietly allowing himself to enjoy the comforting serenity that came with knowing that as long as he had Kaidan in his life, then his would always have a purpose.

“ _I love you too John. I love you too.”_

 


End file.
